Jokes
She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.
Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married.
On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child; she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big.
They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?"
Her husband comes up to the bedroom and opens the closet doors toget out some clothes and notices the red balls hanging there. "What are these?" he asks.
"Oh, those are just some Christmas Bells I picked up on sale this afternoon," she answers.
He toys with them for a second and realizes that they are not making noise, so he pulls them apart and clangs them together, but all he hears is "uuuggghhh".
He says, "Honey, these things aren't working right, let me try again."
So he pulls them farther apart and bangs them together. Still the only noise made is "UUUGGGHHH".
He is beginning to get a little annoyed and he says, "I am gonna try once more and if these things do not chime, I am gonna throw them in the fireplace and burn them."
So he stretches them as far apart as he can and slams them together.
At that moment, the guy sticks his head out of the closet and screams, "DING DONG, DING DONG, DING DONG!!!!
The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is one third ownership in the store and 3000 Dollars a month in living expenses.
With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.
"Mother, I've met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Parents
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.
"Mary, what does your parents do?"
Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse."
"That’s very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?"
Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"
"That’s very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"
He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker."
Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.
"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.
Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Management Lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and
getting screwed!
Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar says, "I bet on things!" The bartender says, "Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?" Woman, "Most anything." Bartender, "Like what for instance?" Woman, "See that wall over there? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!" Bartender, (Thinks about this for a minute) "I'll take that bet! How much do you want to bet?" Woman, "You name your poison." Bartender, "I'll bet you a thousand bucks." Woman, "Ok!" Bartender, "Ladies first." Woman, Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees. "Your turn," she replies. Bartender, Unzips his pants gets his sure tool out; gets ready to pee. Woman, "Hey.... NO HANDS!"
A mother taught her son to pee by the numbers.
1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin
4. Do your business.
5.. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly.
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my Privates !!", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice . "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
He replied"I can't piss out of it," .